The G-Spot - RCW Racing!!!!
Column by: Ace Gigilo on 12/04/2003

As I was sitting around this past Thanksgiving, eating what I like 'cause I can, I also was enjoying some ass-kicking thanks to Mario Kart Double Dash. Taking each one of my family members out one at a time, track after track, and laughing my ass off as I was doing it, a thought occured to me. What if...what if RCW came out with a videogame? Not just any game, not a backdoor wrestling type game, not a typical Smackdown or Super Fire type game. I'm talking about a Mario Kart inspired racing game! Complete with weapons, individual karts and, of course, the superstars of RCW! Want an example of what it's be like? Then read on...

The Roster:

Let's limit this playing field to about 10 competitors shall we?

Dirk Extreme: Since the "extreme" one has a God-given load to carry around, I thought, why not give him a truck? But not just any truck. You know those big full-size trucks with the wide-ass? You know, the ones with 2 rear tires on each side? That's the only vehicle I could picture Dirk in!

Tank Runyon: Well, logic says I'll give Tank a big Sherman Tank or something like that, right? Wrong. I see a more fitting ride for the Tankster. Something like...oh, I don't know, a Roto-Rooter truck. A ride most worthy of the Septic One.

Max Power: Hmmm...Bulldozer? No. Dump truck? No. How about a Hummer? No, not that kind ya pervs, well unless you're really into Max. But the big guy would be right at home behind the wheel of one of those monsters! Just watch the gas mileage!

Dude Rock: The Dudester. Well, since he's RCW's answer to Cheech and Chong, I have the perfect ride for him; the Hemp Van from Up in Smoke! It was kind of a toss up between that, the Partridge Family Bus or the Jerry Garcia bus. In the end, I could just see Dude driving around in a cloud of medicinal marijuana smoke. Sure, he gets it "prescribed"....

Beautiful Bobby: Well, since our beloved Champion loves pink boas so much I have car for him. A nice, big, pink Mary Kay Cadillac! Make-up is optional but what the hell? When in Rome, Booby! Just make sure the glove box has plenty of band aids for those cuts!

Meltdown: Where to begin? Dolly Madison truck? Kroger semi? Hmmm...well, in the spirit of Twisted Metal, let's just give lunchbox here a good old fashioned ice-cream truck! Just don't expect there to be any ice-cream left!

Syren: A lot of you might think I'd give her some kind of street racer, or maybe a Ferrari, or something pretty fast and bad-ass? Nah, this chick is gonna get the one vehicle that has her name all over it. A Ford Pinto! Why you ask? What's a Pinto have to do with Syren? Well, it was pulled from the market after tests showed that as soon as it was rear-ended, it would explode. Rumor has it, the same thing happens with her!

Randy Allen: What kind of vehicle could be fit for royalty? A Crown Victoria? Nah. A limousine? Nope. A giant toilet with wheels? Maybe. But whatever it'd be, it'd have to set close to the ground and maybe come with a booster seat. The jury is still out on this one...

Mastermind: You'd think being the resident "genius" of RCW, he'd pick a fuel efficient vehicle that could handle well and be perfect for racing. But, I see it differntly. Ever watched Mr. Bean? Ever seen his car? The little yellow, the size of a Beetle, compact he drives? That's THE Mastermind Mobile! Hell, to him, it's a station wagon! Plenty of leg room for all your little evil geniuses! Matter of fact, maybe this'd be good for Randy too? But, I still like the idea of a toilet on wheels....

Trik Nasty: The smartass in me wants to say clown car sooooo bad but I won't! Trik is someone that I could see in a legit straight out race car! Whether it's a legit, legal street racer or illegal, he'd just look at home behind the wheel of a Fast and the Furious ride! Won't....use...clown..car...

Ace Gigolo: Well, of course I'd be in the game! It's my f'n idea! So what'd I drive? Hmmm...good question. Something with a big back seat with plenty of room, if you know what I'm sayin'! Maybe a low-rider? Some tricked out pimp mobile! Gotta have room for all the Gigo-hos out there!

Yes, you can include others in the list, maybe Juggulator, Jason Taylor, Mecco, Tyson Rogers, the Lords and more but this is just a sample of wht it'd be like. And what would a game be without the Outlaws? A BETTER game, that's what!

Weapons:

Here's a quick list of weapons and power-ups that'd be scattered throughout the track:

toilet plunger
barbwire bat
bong
hamburger
pumpkin
crown
steel chair


And last but not least, we gotta include a few tracks to race on!

Race Tracks:

West Union Farigrounds: Including farm animal crap!
Elm Street: Complete with dumpsters, and Scotty Potty
SSU: The Cave! Jerry Lawler's favorite!

and many more!

So, you see, it can be done. The question is just who the hell would do it and why?

-Ace Gigolo
"Your women are in good hands...mine!"